


You've Described a Secret Fantasy of Mine (Or How Bob Kidnaps/Seduces his Landlord)

by allmilhouse



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: M/M, awkward lunch date, romantic roller coaster kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 02:53:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13448994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allmilhouse/pseuds/allmilhouse
Summary: "Sooo, did you guys have fun?""Uh, yeah. We shared a moment, I think."Slight Wharf Horse (s4 ep21) AU where Bob convinces Calvin about something besides selling the wharf





	You've Described a Secret Fantasy of Mine (Or How Bob Kidnaps/Seduces his Landlord)

"Hey, Mr Fischoeder, it's Linda," Linda Belcher said into the phone, twirling the the cord with her fingers. Bob watched her nervously from a seat at the counter. He was terrified about the scheme Felix Fischoeder had entrusted him with, and for some reason the more confident Linda seemed, the more he felt stressed. 

"Linda Belcher, your tenant," She clarified. "Bob's wife. From Bob's Burgers, yes. No, no, it's not about the rent."

Bob sunk his head into his hands. This was not getting off to a good start. 

"We were wondering if you ever wanted to swing sometime. Bob's not getting any younger but he's pretty-"

Bobs head snapped up. "LIN!" he yelled. 

"What? Oh, right, right. Sorry Mr Fisch, I meant, we were wondering if you wanted to get lunch today. Mm-hm. No, haha, not at the restaurant-"

Bob groaned, and Linda shushed him. 

"Alright!" she cheered into the phone. "We'll pick you up at the wharf in twenty minutes." She hung up the phone and turned to Bob. "Alright! He said yes, we'll pick him up at the wharf in twenty minutes."

"Yeah, I heard. Great job Lin. Oh man, we're really doing this." He looked queasy, and Linda patted him on the arm.

"Cheer up Bobby, the plan's working so far. All you have to do is talk Mr Fisch into selling his beloved wharf to condo developers to help his dangerous younger brother!"

"Oh my god."

\-----

Bob had to admit the plan was mostly working so far. Yes, Linda had blabbed the whole thing to Fanny in the backseat, and now Mr Fischoeder knew everything. And yes, Linda and Fanny had bailed on him to go shopping. But now, seated at the restaurant on King's Head Island, things felt right. Like with the right persuasion, Bob's Bistro on the Beach could happen. He just had to focus on the right things, the things most likely to change Mr Fischoeder's mind. Nice things. All of the nice, wonderful things they could have with rich condo people's money. 

Bob got on a roll, describing all the luxuries they'd be able to afford, and next thing he knew, both he and Mr Fischoeder were standing, dancing, and even singing. It was incredible- until the waiter walked over and said they weren't allowed to sing in there. 

They sat back down, a little deflated. Mr Fischoeder changed the subject brusquely by picking up the menu.

"Well! What would you like, Bob? Price is no object, I'll pay for anything at this kidnapping lunch." He smiled tightly, indicating this was probably sarcasm, but Bob was already planning on ordering something cheap. He wasn't accustomed to rich things anyway, although that would all change if the plan went through.

"Uh, Mr Fischoeder," Bob started, trying to get back on track.

"Sorry Bob, I don't discuss business over meals," he said firmly. "Too many bad experiences with knives." But there was a warm touch to his voice and a twinkle in his one visible eye that told Bob his talk/song might've worked. 

"A-alright then, Mr Fischoeder," Bob said, picking up his menu. 

"I do have one question though, Bob. I know 'take your landlord to lunch day' was a trick to get me off the wharf, but was Linda serious when she said you wanted to swing?"

"Oh my god."

"Because I have to say," Mr Fischoeder continued, completely oblivious to Bob nervously blushing and ducking behind the menu, "I would be interested. Yes, you're not getting any younger, but age has its uses, don't you find? Experience and such?"

Bob mumbled something incoherent. This couldn't be happening. Sure, he'd thought about it. Who hasn't ever daydreamed about their eccentric, distinguished, mysterious landlord? But he didn't have time to explore this right now- the fate of the wharf was on the line, and Bob was under way too much pressure right now to deal with Mr Fischoeder hitting on him.

"Sorry, Mr Fischoeder," he started.

"Calvin," Mr Fischoeder corrected. 

'-but, I don't discuss that _kind_ of business over lunch". Bob peeked over the top of the menu to see Mr Fischoeder's reaction. The white-haired man nodded mildly, and kept looking over his own menu.

"I understand, Bob. We'll pick this up another time."

Bob sighed in relief. Considering it was the most stressful day of his life, he was batting 1.000 so far.

\-----

The four of them were sitting in the car on the ferry back to mainland when Bob learned he had succeeded. Calvin reached out and grabbed Bob by the arm, called him a 'bushy-armed bastard', and said he was prepared to sell Wonder Wharf. The ladies cheered from the back seat while Calvin started brushing Bob's arm hair.

"Have you ever tried brushing it this way? Like this?" he said, demonstrating what he meant by gently raking the hair forward. 

"No," Bob said honestly. He'd never even considered brushing his body hair before. Before he started balding, he never even really brushed his head hair. "But I will!" He added.

"It's a good look for you," Calvin insisted. He held onto Bob's arm for another few moments before finally letting go. Felix had warned Bob earlier that his arms would attract Calvin, but it was still odd for him to have his hair admired like that.

They spent most of the ride back in silence- Linda and Fanny tired out from shopping to talk, Bob too busy buzzing with excitement. Calvin leaned against the window for the most part, but occasionally he glanced over at Bob, usually with some sort of unreadable expression.

\-----

Immediately upon arriving back, they rushed off to the wharf. There was a large crowd formed, and a few news trucks parked at the gate, and from experience Bob knew that his kids would be at the centre of attention. And sure enough, because this day couldn't get any odder, Tina was bike-locked to a deformed carousel horse. Bob tried reasoning with her, and talking her into getting off the carousel, but he couldn't convince two people in one day. He was still surprised he could convince one person, honestly. But Felix worked his magic on the crowd and Bob felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. Something about seeing Edith Cranwrinkle excited for the same thing he wanted didn't sit right. But he ignored it to focus on Tina. 

The construction workers drove a forklift up to the carousel, and got Tina free, but not before accidentally destroying her precious Mr Goiter. She ranted and yelled while Linda hugged her and tried to calm her down, but suddenly it hit Bob. Sometimes you can't hear the truth until it's shouted at you by your daughter. She was right- the wharf needed to stay, and Bob urgently needed to speak to Calvin again.

\-----

Bob was surprised he was able to pull Calvin away from the mob that surrounded him, asking questions about the hypothetical condo people, until he remembered that Calvin really, _really_ wasn't a people person. So when he suggested they take a ride, and some helpful person wearing bunny ears piped in mentioning the Scream-i-cane, Calvin mercifully agreed.

"So you can't sell the wharf." Bob said as soon as the roller coaster started moving. 

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Great!"

Bob could tell Calvin was furious, especially because he had spent all afternoon talking him into the exact opposite of what he said now. Calvin was saying something sarcastic, but Bob could barely follow along, as the ride was picking up steam.

"Why did I think this would be a good place to talk?" he yelled, as the cart started up the biggest hill. 

"'Cause you're an idiot!" Calvin helpfully yelled back. 

The cart stopped abruptly at the top of the hill, and Calvin mentioned something about it usually getting stuck there. Bob looked around. They were at the highest point on the wharf, the highest point in town, really, and it was an incredible vantage point. The view was breathtaking, especially now at sunset, the dying light illuminating some of the best features the wharf had to offer. 

"Wow. it's beautiful," Bob finally said. 

"Are you going to try to kiss me?" Calvin asked. 

"What?" Bob replied incredulously. 

"Well, you used to be straight, but who knows with Mr Flippy Floppy?" Calvin sounded hurt, and Bob couldn't blame him. He thought back to how happy they had been only hours earlier, at that fancy restaurant. He needed to set things right. 

"Mr Fischoeder, listen. I thought I wanted nice things, but I don't even like nice things. I mean, look at this shirt. This is my favorite shirt."

"Ooh, that is so sad." Calvin interjected. 

"Look, those condos would make us like everywhere else," Bob continued. "The wharf is the heart of the town. it's what makes this place special. Well that, and you."

"Oh Bob," Calvin began.

"Oh, and for the record, I am bi," Bob interrupted. "It's just the kind of thing you don't disclose to your landlord." 

"Ah."

"Yes. Look, I'm sorry for being all up and down with you today, unlike this roller coaster, which is apparently all up. Are we going to start moving anytime soon or?" he trailed off, looking over the sides of the cart at how scarily high up they were suspended. 

"Probably in a minute or two. Keep all limbs inside the vehicle, unless you're alright with parting with them." Calvin sighed for a moment before taking Bob's arm again. "So everything you said in the restaurant today, was that part of this plan Felix hatched up? Seduce me into selling the wharf?"

"No!" Bob said adamantly. "Well, Linda actually suggested it, but I said no. At no point today did I attempt to seduce you for real estate purposes."

"But what about other purposes?" Calvin stared him down with his one good eye, and Bob froze. He honestly hadn't been trying to seduce Calvin at all. Maybe his arms really were that irresistible. But he didn't know anymore. It had been a long, emotionally exhausting day. He'd been so anxious for hours, and then stumbled upon half the town gawking at his daughter in danger, and then had to undo all the work he'd done in a fraction of the time and now- well, he was sitting next to the most intriguing man he knew, staring into a comically romantic sunset, suspended in space, and what felt like time, over the wharf they both held dear. 

"You tell me," Bob finally said, looking right back into Calvin's eye. Calvin leaned in, and Bob took the plunge. The kiss was a bit odd, but Bob was getting used to odd. It felt right for the moment however, and Calvin seemed to be enjoying himself. All too soon they broke apart, as the cart soared forward down the probably dangerous track. Bob screamed his head off and Calvin cheered in delight as they plummeted down and rolled to a gentle stop. They exited the cart, and Bob was immensely grateful to be back on earth again. 

Calvin smiled. "Boy, it's been a long time since I've been on a ride; they're wonderful. And so are you, Bob. Thanks to you, I'm never selling Wonder wharf!" 

Felix and Fanny overheard and came over, yelling angrily, but Calvin lightly brushed them off. 

"I'm going on again!" He announced, gesturing at the Scream-i-cane. "Care to join me?"

Bob looked over and saw Tina approaching him, carrying Mr Goiter's decapitated wooden head. 

"Sorry Calvin, I should probably take care of things. But I'll see you after?"

"Sure, Bob."

\-----

After proved to be about half an hour later. Bob had finished calming Linda down about her broken condo dreams, and Calvin had shaken off Felix, and they were both free to meet along the pier in the fading daylight. 

"So, we really did it, huh?" Bob summarized.

"Well, I did it. You almost blew it." Calvin gently corrected him, reaching for Bob's arm hanging lazily on the railing.

"Yeah. but then I brought it all home," Bob mock-bragged. "Kind of heroically- not to pat myself on the back, but.."

"Aright, alright, you saved the town, Bob, what more do you want?"

"Mm," he considered for a moment. "Maybe another kiss?"

Calvin obliged willingly.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really more of a Bob/Teddy kinda guy but this just slipped out. Sorry! A lot of dialogue towards the end is taken from the actual episode (that's why it's so much better, oh my god)


End file.
